Types of Males

Here goes the 2nd article by another ghost writer. This article is superbly written and not lacking anything in terms of humor either. Written as a sarcastic factual review about types of male, this should definitely make your day.  Drop in your words to encourage her.

My fair share of male analysis has resulted in me coming up with these basic male stereotypes.

1. The Players

These are the guys girls just go weak in the knees for. They’re not necessarily the hunkiest, good looking blokes around, if at all in reality they are men you would actually classify as lame. Once they suck you into their sinister game, you get tortured mentally.

To them it’s really quite simple: YOU’RE NOT THE ONE. And YOU’LL NEVER BE. But they’d like you to think otherwise. Like you’re the most special woman on earth. But in reality, they’re akin to the Da Vinci Code. Redundantly annoying and pointless and they seem mysterious on the surface but inside they’re full of shit. (I never liked the Da Vinci Code).

I’ve come to a solid conclusion that these men are actually gay, because they go through so many chicks and are never satisfied because they’ve been looking at the wrong end of the ballpark all the while. No chick can give them what they want because they are actually subconsciously gay.  Seriously, Mr.What’sYourFace, if you’re reading this and everything clicks, just come clean already. We already know.

Hobbies & Interests: scouting for victims on Facebook, telling you you’re the best one for him (I want to marry you I want to have your babies let’s have imaginary kids’ babyyyy!) and at the same time insulting you to another, setting the scene for cat-fights.

2. The Ones Who Are Full of Themselves (aka the POSERS or The Ones Who Try Too Hard)

These ones are horrendously annoying. They think they are the shit. They speak nigga and they wear their pants up to their ankles because they think it makes them look cool. They dress badly and seem to think that they are Greek Gods in the world of women. Maybe so in the world of pre-pubescent teens. You know the female equivalents. These ‘dudes’ are usually spotted as the ones who try too hard and then end up bitter as a girl rejects their sorry asses. Two words: GROW UP.

Hobbies & Interests: bumming around, talking shit, cracking lame jokes, listening to 50 cent, insulting girls they can never have, staggering like a mad cow with a prion disease when drunk.

3. The Nice Ones who are Never IT.

These guys- you got to feel it for them. They’re truly nice guys, super nice, but they’re just TOO nice. You want a man who is a real man, who’d take control and not let you walk all over him (at least I do) but these guys – they’re just too nice, too accommodating, too…..BLAND. That’s the word. BLAND. Like curry without spice. Like a lackluster sea view. Like food without salt. Like an egg without the yolk. Like skimmed milk or rye bread. They just lack personality. Or maybe you’re just not into them because nothing jives.

Hobbies & Interests: Listening to ’sentimental’ songs, nudging you on MSN 24/7, wallowing in self-pity, typing messages without consideration of poor grammar and spelling (which is, incidentally, my GREATEST pet peeve in a guy), worshiping the chick he dates, being the nice, bully-able  guy to all of his friends.

4. The SMART Ones and the Pseudo Smart Ones.

Okay, it’s a male thing to be completely egoistic about every minute detail in life; it’s really understandable because ‘they wear the pants’. Sure. Thing is, the smart ones are colossal asses and the ones who THINK they are smart are even more so. You get a really smart guy and he’s definitely going to rub it in your face that you do not possess half the amount of brain cells he has. He’s going to let you know it. More so if you’re female.

He’d be downright condescending.  Next comes the pseudo-smarties. They THINK they know it all, have hyper inflated egos, are judgmental to the core and believe everything they say or do matters.

Their friends soon get tired of them and just tolerate them because it’s an obligation. You know you’ve met a truly smart guy when he’s humble about his God-given intellect. Which is a quality neither posses.

Hobbies & Interests: redundant debates, proving everyone wrong, being judgmental of everyone, spending time thinking of ways to become absolutely bulletproof in an argument, being annoying and lame.

5. The He men

Often spotted at the gym. Fairly stout with gargantuan muscles. Not interested in properly dating females, only interested in reproduction or the practice of it. All brawn and no brains.

Hobbies & Interests: working out, eating, drinking protein shakes.

Disclaimer: The author has also used the experience of other women in the process of stereotyping the male species.


21 comments to Types of Males

  • TrueGemini

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    Hey mystique,
    funny shit u got here :) i can so totally relate to all the types u have classified, how very true

    in type 2, we have indian machas who are more hiphopish than the western thmselves. baggy pants, bling blings, all sorts of nikes from petaling street, the yo man.
    nice writeup!

  • Thumb up Thumb down 0

    Aiseh…now you have made me confused…I don’t know which group I belong to..In each type that I read of, I can see myself partially in it..So what am I ?? Lolz..nice article..;) Cheers

  • Kugan

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    Well, today.. men are classified into 2:
    1. Alpha Males
    -The term ‘Alpha Male’ can be defined in both a classical and modern sense. The classical definition derives from the animal kingdom and represents a physical form of dominance over other males. The alpha male lion, for example, claims sexual rights to all females, fights off other male lions to enforce it, eats first after every hunt and dominates a vast territory of land for hunting rights.

    In a modern/human sense, younger males (teens, early 20s) will subscribe to the classical form. Like a lion, they will often be the strongest, most intimidating, hit on all of the women beta males want, are usually the first to have new sexual experiences and often dominate a set territory in thier ‘hunt’ for new women, such as local nightclub scenes.

    2. Beta Males

    -The opposite of Alpha male. In modern society an Alpha male not only requires physical prowess, but also confidence and attitude. The Beta male of modern society usually, only has one of these traits, if any. The Beta male tends to be smart, quiet and unconfrontational. If lucky, beta males can get a hot chick once in her 30’s, after she’s tired of fucking the Alpha Males, and decides to settle down with a beta male for money and stability.

    And these 2 classificatons of males could have the above characteristics. No men is effin perfect and it get annoying when some of us we try too hard as the writer said. Period

  • Thumb up Thumb down 0

    i like this .

    # Da vinci Code was awesome .

  • Royal_Pain

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    Outta all the men above…i can never stand!the pseudo smart one’s!!haiz they drive me mad…so so so much of ego arghhhhh….i still remember my school’s head boy…haiz..i feel sorry for him..i heard he went around “mak mandin” area last week and sound a mechanic saying that he is nt gud at wat he is duin…but u noe wat he has a second hand car dat’s 4 years old….aiyoo sure lah ur car wont be as gud as new after that guy fix aso…hmmm but then Mr Head Boy kena belasah for “sounding” the mechanic la….pity rite…all coz his mouth!

  • linda

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    sooner or later the ladies see through the men so just be yourself to score with the right women!

  • Coolman

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    1) THe players -“These are the guys girls just go weak in the knees for” – Probably coz they are plain stupid.

    These classifications doesnt seem ‘correct’ in my view. Most guys are mixtures of all the above categories and other characteristics that no women will ever know ( or unknown by mystique and her friends)

  • super subrayan

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    just out of pure curiosity,do u hv a bf mystique?

  • Thumb up Thumb down 0

    While the last two are kind of ‘rare’, I believe the second one is the most pathetic type out of all.

    You have missed another important category –> The machans. What you gotta say about them? :D

    Nice article overall. ;)

  • mystique

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    i thought i was going to get assassinated for this. =S

  • SpideR

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    Well U missed d most important type of guys….D “Perfect Guys”….their personalities consists of a mixture of most of d gud qualities u stated 4 each type of guys….;)

  • gowri sangkari

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    well..well..havent really met with any of the above categories coz the one’s i knw all kind of a mixed up but tis 1 i have to agree –

    “Okay, it’s a male thing to be completely egoistic about every minute detail in life”…though i do tell my friend that he shouldnt be doin that all the time…it pisses the girls off..

    nice writing anyway..enjoyed it..keep it up!!

  • bite me

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    hahha – dat was a nice read for when there’s nothing else to do – mind u though that u cud probably classify gurls in de same way – and experience says it’s so ezy to stereotype somebody, but as time goes, u find that was an unfair stereotype and there’s more to the profiling lol and then as more time goes and more things unravel, u’re unsure if u’re reading of the person was right the first time, or the second time, or if a whole new reading shud be done :P … doubt any of this makes much sense … just tot i’d kill some time :P

  • sss

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    Nice article Mystique. In can be the text of “Males Decoded”. Lol…. But there is something lacking. All the types of males, u was pointing out, are the negative 1’s. Where is the Perfect Guy ? The Machan’s ? Write up on it.. :)

  • g.

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    i wish to be the He-Men :P

  • Maya

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    :Mystique ;-)

    Interesting…But can you imagine the reaction if someone had written an article entitled ‘TYPES OF FEMALES’…Now THERE’S food for thought!

  • DarkTannedSuperman04

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    hmm.. as a male.. i find myself uncategorized here.. cos u forgot a few more categories..

    There are also the Stars. these dudes are like a combination of strength, style, compassion and all.. like Rajnikanth or Surya in movies.. believe me, I grew up modelling myself after them. there are very few of us. but, the thing is, nobody understands us.

    Activities: looks at a girl, but only smiles, is decent, talks in a nice manner but can be rough too, well-educated, ambitious, hardworking, romantic, a great companion and all the nice things..

    Cons: these guys cant ever seem to get a nice girl cos most of the girls love the Playboy and Bodybuilder categories =(

  • I_Me_Myself

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    That’s Was nice article/facts/Frustration.hmmm whatever. Hats off FOR some truths. Totally undenailable as truth was revelead. Guys need to be carefull as “faeces” hits us. hahaha ;) no more those slack classic tricky so called
    “DA VINCI CODE” mysterious would worked out anymore on girls. shall try something differents. anyway thats so cool.
    Based on my experience and journey of life i’ve encountered so many men and women, since these is purely on men, so i begin with them. Like mystique said those 5 types is just not the end and it may continue. There are still other types of men which faded in our society unless you’ve open up your six sense to trail them. like example men who think they are another “kanth” or “khan” you know what i mean. Another men minggling around with girls, sorry to said this but just to have a “Sex”, they are don’t they? it’s like train or bus transit, exchange…exchange never ending strory but for these kind of men they want “family lamp light” i mean, kudumbum kuthe villake..;) is it fair enough? didn’t mean to harm anyone feelings but just to express the truth.
    Hobbies:looking for prey, flirting, used sweet words to win the heart(battles against heart, temporary became shakespeare,once mission accomplish lookin for next mission with sensation.

  • Ninja Assassin

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    Bit out of topic, but you guys HAVE to see this.


    Check the pics!


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