This article may be sensitive to some, but get over it and try to understand what I’m trying to convey.
When I was in primary school, my primary transportation to school was school bus. Sometimes I might miss the bus, which means walking back home. The bus driver, a well built Indian uncle, used to call me “Muruga”. How on earth did he come up with that name for me is still a mystery. My name is Durai, and it’s far from the word “Muruga”.
“Muruga, ingge okareh”
“Muruga, sit here”
I’ve always had a special seat in the bus, near the gear box. Since I was tiny (still), I could fit in easily and sit there the whole time clutching on to the metal bar. The closest I’ve came to resembling Lord Muruga is below:
[spoiler show="Click to see something similar..."]
Both girls are my friends, don't speculate.
Anyway, its Thaipusam season and everyone is busy being divine. Machas all over the country will suddenly turn holy for a certain period of time in order to download God into their body. Thaipusam in Malaysia is a far more horrifying version than what happens in India.
It’s fast turning into a politically influenced commercial event, rather than a collective spiritual journey for the Hindus in Malaysia.
In 1957, this was called an act of devotion…
In 2010, this was called an act of devotion…
There had been a number of requests from my friends to write about Thaipusam. So, today I will tell you about Thaipusam.Please don’t ask me about the basic shit, go and google it.
Here comes the most important things you need to know about Thaipusam.
The first thing that you will notice during the celebration is the amount of Gods that will be surrounding you. It is such a divine and holy feeling that you will never get elsewhere. Once you see a Macha holding a cigar and smoking away, with his face smeared with red kum-kums, and screaming like Justin Bieber, remember that God is in his body.
You must immediately take out your shirt, throw it to the crowd, and then circle the Macha 9 times. Right after that, get down on your knees and let him bless you. Once you get blessed, that’s when ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ show comes in, whereby you’re required to wear your sunglasses and start dancing in front of the God. Group dance is also allowed, you can invite your friends to dance with God. The below video is an excerpt from the show “So You Think You Can Dance with God?” .
Please take note that alcohol should be consumed prior to the event, or else you can ask for a sip from the God. Yes, our God drinks beer. However, God only drinks Guinness Stout, so if you’re not a Stout fan, too bad.
Once you get tired of dancing with God, you will usually feel hungry. The richest Indians in Malaysia live in estates. There are thousands of rich kids in the estates, so usually they don’t get served or given any food. If you’re going to Thaipusam, chances are you’re very poor. More than 1 million hardcore poor Indians will be given free food by religious and corporate organizations, fulfilling their social responsibilities once a year. Food wise, Thaipusam is a battle zone. Indian aunties wins the war over here with the ability to stack multiple food boxes in one hand while also clutching 3 cups of syrup. Try to get a few packets of food, eat and throw the empty box near the railway tracks in Batu Caves.
Free drinks are served all over, so don’t worry about drinks. If you feel like going to the toilet, immediately run to the nearby building that you can see and release it there. You can also visit the toilets where shits from over 1000 people will be floating and greeting you.
Since you will be left off with so much money to spend, the next thing you need to do is give in all your money to the temple. If you see some disabled people or beggars in Thaipusam, ignore them. They’re millionaires in disguise. Donate all your money to the temple . Alternatively , buy 10000 coconuts and simply have fun breaking it on the road. This will get you straight to heaven.
Thaipusam is also the best place to test your martial art skills. Being an Indian, it is extremely important that you kill at least one person during the festival. Walk around and try as much as possible to create problems with others, of which you might either end up killing someone or getting killed.
If you don’t like fighting, sit down anywhere and start disturbing any Indian Meenachis who walks by. A few ugly Indian chicks with heavy make ups will walk by stealing your attention; immediately put your tongues out and start panting heavily like a dog.
Alternatively, you can also also open your pants and hang your dick for display to impress the chicks. The rest of the girls will not give any attention towards you. If the girl did not give any attention to you, don’t worry, nothing is wrong with you. They’re sluts.
After all this is over, it’s time for prayers.
This is Lord Muruga.
This is Lord Hanuman.
This is Lord…Errr…
This is the new Lord for some Monkeys In Confusion.
This is Malaysia’s Prime Minister, Dato Seri Najib. A mere mortal cut-out stands right inside our holy ground right before devotees can even see Lord Muruga. It has been reported that a few monkeys in confusion had desperately tried to defend the placing of the cutout, blaming that there are other issues larger in hand that should be tackled. This monkeys can be usually be seen hanging around the cutout climbing and getting angry at any visitors who tried to reason with them the cutout should not be there.
Please equip yourself with few bananas and throw it to them. They usually grab it and run away. You can alternatively throw some coins because this monkey’s loves money too.
Monkeys in Confusion with their hard earned bananas.
As funny and sarcastic this article may sound to be, ask yourself isn’t this what’s been happening in Thaipusam? Do the right thing, donate to the right cause. Support the right act, admire people’s true devotion. Don’t bring in politics to temples and stop being dogs.
Happy Thaipusam to all!