What if she’s pariah?

Thappe ya, anthe mathiri mudiyathe. Avengge vereh.

Its wrong ayya, we can’t do that. They’re different.

I was talking to my mom the other day about a very interesting topic when suddenly my grandmother (who is chilling at our home for time being) interrupted and said the above. I stopped, and then knew that now I have someone even harder to debate with.

I asked her what’s so wrong about it.

“Athe thappe ya, apdi mudiyathe”

“It’s wrong, you can’t do that”

“Anah, yen patti thappe, avengge yenna thappe pananggeh? Yen avenggele othiki vekenem?”

“But grandma, what harm have they done? Why do we have to isolate them?”

My grandmother went on explaining that nobody is isolating them but they won’t be suitable to mix with our family, particularly through marriage. I went on pressing her how it can be right to isolate and cast away someone just because of his caste. I was shocked that after all this years, I didn’t even realize my own grandmother had been a staunch believer that caste is an important criteria in choosing someone to be part of my family.

I said I can’t accept her opinion because I don’t even grow up finding out about others caste before mixing with them. What if we ‘accidentally’ fall in love with them and they happen to be from lower caste? I said if I fall in love with a girl from the lowest caste of all, I will still marry her against the family.

She concluded her opinion easily. This was exactly what she said.

“Nee yenna venalum seyeh, anah na poneh peregeh seyyi.”

“Do what you want, but do it after my death”

And she went on trapping me.

“Japan karenegehle pethi nee yenna nenekireh?”

“What do you think about Japanese?”

I replied saying they’re very hardworking people with good sense of humor, and is way more advanced than us in terms of technology and innovation.

She replied.

“Na pathe Japan karenegehleh nee patherinthena , apdi nee nenekehmathe. En kudeh porenthevegeleh kodumeh panni konethanengge, nangge patte kasthem konjem nanjem ileh ya. Apdi than jathi yum, nangge jathiyeh pakeretheke arthem iruke, nangge valenthe sulnele anthe kalethele apdi.”

“If you’ve seen the Japanese that I’ve seen, you won’t be thinking like that. My sibling was tortured and killed by them, what we went through was not easy. It’s the same with caste, there is a reason why we’re scrutinizing on caste, it’s the way we grow up.”

The Japanese according to me:
The Japanese according to my grandma:


You see, at the rate we the Indians are falling in love nowadays, there is no way anyone is actually looking after the partners caste before deciding to sleep to couple with him. How many of you actually ask for your partner’s caste before you decide to couple with him?


But when it comes to marriage there had been numerous cases where the lovers gets separated because one of them might be from a lower caste particularly pariah caste. This is happening in Malaysia, in a place where we the Indians are trumpeting that we don’t treat people according to creed and caste. All of you Machans go on telling others that we should not reject someone because of their caste and your love is beyond caste. But when your parents are against it because the family of the girl is actually from a lower caste, you nod in agreement and the chick that trusted and slept with you get fucked out.


Thenmoly was shocked, after all this years of being in a relationship and close to being married to the guy who promised her happiness; she was dumped. There were no arguments between them and they were happy to be in the company of each other. Their plan was to get engaged in a few months time, and then it came.

Her father in law told her that her ‘jathegem‘(astrology) did not match with that of his son, and if his son is going to marry Thenmoly, then his son will die. Of course, one local neighborhood Samiyar made all the difference. According to his calculations, the guy will die if he is going to marry Thenmoly. So the father decided that they should not get married.

The guy listened to his father without even speaking against it, and decided to dump Thenmoly. She has trusted the guy and even end up sleeping with him thinking that she is so close to marrying him anyway.

The above is a true story.


Will it be right to dump your partner just because your astrological readings or caste do not match up with other?

I’m going to put up a situation for you.

Say you’re in love with a girl(or guy), and had been in serious relationship for the past 5 years. Your partner seems to be an ideal partner, and you knew it that only she can be your other half. So you both finally decided to get married. You went and introduced her to your parents, and your mother asked about her background. During the background check, your parents found out that the girl is from a lower caste and decided you should not get married to her.

You tried reasoning with them, but it was not working out. They’re adamant that if you’re going to get married to her, she will not be accepted into the house and your marriage will not be blessed by them.

Will you go against and betray your family and marry her because she had trusted you and been with you through thick and thin?

Or will you comply with your parents because they’ve raised you all this while and your decision might scar their heart forever?

Don’t give me that crap that you will sit down and discuss and convince your parent and make them agree, the situation is simple, it’s either yes or no. Be honest.

166 comments to What if she’s pariah?

  • Jen

    M1 comment! Thumb up Thumb down +7

    I was in a similar situation after almost 10 years of being in a relationship. His parents were against our union because I’m Tamil and he is Malayalee. We went on to get married anyway. After marriage, I did everything I could to win over my in-laws. It was a lot of hard work and compromise from me mostly. It took years, but today they have accepted me into their family. There are still some relatives who refuse to even look at my face when they speak to me. I just go on being chripy and extra sweet. In the end, it is they who look bad. Of course I cried alot when I was alot, and I prayed (a lot). I’m blessed to have a husband who supported me all the way and because of the love he has shown me I was determined to not have him part ways with his family because of me. That wiuld have caused him a lot of (silent) hurt, so I compromise and went to do what I did and am still doing: winning over my in laws.

  • KKS Ravi

    Thumb up Thumb down +3

    Pariah or not it is up to the individual. if you think caste is important then watch your relationship before marriage. dont go line poderan randomly. aperom ithu serile athu serile nu solle kudathu.

    also i see alot of negative comments on people who stick to their jathi.

    why we must bother so much about other people’s preference? If they want to call themselves Mudaliar, gounder, chetty or whatever it is their problem right? only they know about their family kalacharam.

    if you look at someone and complain about their jathi preference then you have inferiority complex. that shows you came from a very low family. else why must you bother so much?

    i am not inferior to anyone so i dunt care if my friends like to only marry their own jathi mappilai. their problem la people. just like how most of us do not marry naattans or nigerians!!!

    avanggalukku avangge jathi mukkiyem….unggelukku yen inthe kadupu??? vere veleye parungge paa

  • loshini

    Thumb up Thumb down +3

    my father always told me this; there is only 2 casts on earth, women and men. nothing more nothing less..

    lets not forget that we are human beings and no man is superior than the other..:)

  • Thumb up Thumb down +1

    SK Durai anne.really u are doing a wonderful job 4 the society. Keep on this selfless and daring blogging. We shall show u our support.
    And may i share your posts in my Facebook and page?


  • ABCrobot

    Thumb up Thumb down +4

    My beloved Mo
    m told me if I ever did marry the girl, she’ll sucide because she’s from a different race. I married her. Now my Mom is closer to her than me. When I made the decision, I decided that my Mom lived her life.. now it’s my turn. My parents brought me here, I didn’t filled an application, so it is them responsible to ensure my happiness, not the other way round (while they are strong). If there are problems, it’s my wife who will stand by me, not my relatives. I can’t force love another.

  • rutra

    Thumb up Thumb down +2

    Will you go against and betray your family and marry her because she had trusted you and been with you through thick and thin?


    this is what i think
    parents might not allow at first but later on when there is a point where they will feel is thier cast important or the son they raised with lots of love is important
    and im very sure they will realize not now but later.

    if u leave the girl that been there for you all the time for this reason
    you have still spoiled a girls life without realizing and im very sure your parent dint raised you for that and if i were the parent i wouldnt be proud for spoiling the girls life.
    my opinion sorry if itz wrong or what… im 23 and this is what i feel

  • Loved

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

    I have been with my other half for 10 years. We had problems as parents felt we are not suitable and will not fit the family. Now they have agreed and marriage is happening. There is a third option, wait. I’m grateful to be with him all this time

  • Virgo11

    Thumb up Thumb down +2

    Let me my share my story…when I was back in primary Malay school my parents told me to strictly avoid Indian friends. The reason why we put you in Malay school is to stay away from Indian friends..remember that. I was raised with tough bodyguards being around me..( uncles, cousins, relatives…whole jing bang lived in same town ) Every time you go out for a cendol or group study in town and the next thing you know, your parents will be waiting for me at the door at home..with a long lecture that your uncle said he saw you in town today with some friends today…loitering around. Then in secondary school…it was a nightmare…I was bullied for being the Indian girl who always hangs out with the CHinese and Malays. Many Indian school mates said I was perasan…eat dhal curry but act like mat salleh. They said I was a yellow cloth ( cut throat ) which I had to ask my mum to explain what it was….

    When I started working…knowing my parents have always objected any Indians ( stricly Malayalee ONLY policy ) I did not get into any “serious” relationship until I met my hubby ( arranged marriage ). He is a pure Malayalee ( parents are from Kerala ) and all his other siblings are married to Christians, Ceylonese, Thevar and so on. HAHAHA…what a LIFE!!

  • Mike

    Thumb up Thumb down +3

    It is easy to say.I have seen many people who is telling that no caste and we shouldnt see caste. But, when come to them, they will follow the marriage tradition according to their caste. Even they can fight what Thali should use and marriage custom to be conduct. Enna ulagamada. Ooruku ubathesam….
    Please think many times before you voice out something since this is very sensitive issue. If you says no caste, how about when comes to wedding ceremony? Why follows the caste when comes to the wedding and the Thali too. If you want to abolish caste, what about the marriage tradition? Please abolish the marriage tradition which follows by caste and the Thali. Just use common Thali (manjal). If you can’t do that, do not just give advise.

    Let me share a story of my friend who also say that she don’t believe in caste but ended up she showed her true color that she also concern about caste when comes to her wedding. She is a Telugu and her husband from a low caste. She fights for her love with her family and told them that she don’t believe in caste since low caste people also humans and same blood (red). At first I really respect her. Thought she is a puratchi pen. But, it was totally a wrong perception on her when she worried about future what will happen to her children’s identity in the community. So, she used the Telugu Thali and Telugu style wedding to hide her husband’s identity ( low caste). She is the same person who said that for her caste is not important and don’t care about what people will say. If she really don’t care about her husband’s caste, she should have follow her husband’s style of wedding and the Thali. ‘Vaayee kiliya jati illane pesiputu, eppo ennachu???’… So, please do not simply say something that you can’t practice in your own life….it is a very sensitive issue to debate….

  • Raged Jaati

    Thumb up Thumb down +4

    1. Exactly…urukke taa ubathesam!when come to their own kids’ life…..everything will be diff! Vaaye kiliye naa ‘free thinker’ ne sonna mathum pothate…..appadi sollite…..no point of mentioning caste on wedding card, conduct wedding ceremony based on their own caste style….ketta naa free thinker, enakke jaati mukkiyam illene perumei vere!!!

    2. If u ppl r saying that caste is a human creation & that should not follow in 21st century……as far as i know all in this world is human creation! Human says ‘kadavul irukirar’….we belive & we accept the fact! De same human says about caste 1000 years ago! Athu mathum kasakute! My strong believe in munnorgal is what ever they mention there should be a direct & indirect reason of it for normal & scientific life style. So JAATI is an important criteria for our own generation & for standard life style….!
    3. there are 2 types of ppl:
    a. naa ippeditaa vaalven – ppl with mission, vision, rules, etc( me in this category)
    b. eppediyum vaalalaam – they dont mind about anything in their life…so the quality of life will be same as ur thinking…..not only u , ur next upcoming generation too.

    your generation in ur hand! my generation in my hand, others generation in others hand….naduvuke yenn inthe veddi ubathesam?
    It is a very sensitive issue to DEBATE….

  • Rishi

    Thumb up Thumb down +1

    Bro im new to ur blogs n i came across tis topic…well im in a relationship for 3 and a half year now n i came across wit the same problem…to be honest the only answer i gave was ” im the one whos going to marry the girl if u guyz(referring my parentz n grands) care a lot bout the caste i dnt care either i marry her wit u guyz permission or i marry her on my will…i dnt care wat u guyz think b’cause u guyz aint gonna b forever n if i dump her just as u say n marry off nother girl its a huge pain in my ass as i cant love her the same way i loved this woman…n whr will u guyz b at that time either at kasi or ramashewaram enjoting ur old times while i suffer just for the fact of lowercaste…bullshit”..this was my reply n they cant say anyting else n noew im happy wit my gurl n my parents also i dont knw hw the hell agreed for our marriage…

  • Anticaste

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

    Very good article.Something we must ponder about.There is no ending to the issue here.I have to say,my first sister and even my second sister faced this situation before.My parents agreed to my first sister’s requests and took initiative to see her jathegem,thank god it fits!!!My parents went all out for it.My second sister,things were not favorable to her as her jagethem with him doesnt fit at all.So my parents are against it till now.I hope there will be a solution.I on the other hand decided not to have relationships,because going through all this,really is nerve wrecking.

    This caste system representing our parent’s dignity.”They were brought up that way” From small,they have done everything right for us.They took care of us,they bought us clothes,they educated us.Believe me,they are not as low minded person as you think they are,just because of the caste thing.If they were still in their generation,I wouldnt be for who I m today.

    My answer,I will comply to my parents,because they raised me up.Yes!!!They have done everything right in my life,they will definitely make a right choice in this.

    Like your post above,a man who left his lover due to the jagethem,hahahha,for me i feel,thank god the girl dint marry him.You will never know when he will leave you eventhough you manage to marry him.For the situation above,the man shld fight with his parents because the girl lost her virginity because of him.The boy is responsible for it.He listened to his parents,and didnt want to take responsibility,then,that is how he wants to live his life.

    It depends on our surrounding!!How you want to live your life?When it is our turn,we think what is right for our children.

  • anu

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

    you guys/girls must think carefuly on choose with your life partner,and before choose you have to sharing with your parents and listening what they will give any suggestion about your request and you also have responssible on your parents right and if they no means then we also no in the world and every indian childrens have starting with their parents blessing first and we should accept this things so make your request with their blessing and you will get your dream life……anu


Leave a Reply




You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Recent Comments